DD recently expounded upon what I would sum up as “the critical importance of shutting your trap in burgeoning relationships”. Generally, I find her opinion spot-on in matters of relationships, but this time around I surprisingly found myself in disagreement.
The main thrust of her thoughts are that guys aren’t equipped to hear a woman’s true thoughts and feelings, particularly at the beginning of a relationship. She lists examples of what not to say and when not to say them. The focus here is the super-nascent relationship, that stage where you’re still trying to figure out where you stand, if this thing has potential, etc. etc.
Being a person who typically shares too much, it’s possible that my perspective is skewed. But what I’ve seen is that people don’t communicate enough about what they think or feel, particularly at the beginning of relationships. It’s mostly out of fear, too. We are all too afraid of our feelings not being reciprocated or our thoughts/actions being judged poorly.
Like it or not, to date is to be judged. And if you start out in a position where you’re filtering your feelings, thoughts, and desires from the other person so actively as to not be yourself, then what hope is there that you can ever truly be yourself around that person?
I think filtering only sets us up to be disappointed and/or surprised later when we find out that the person you’ve been falling in love with really isn’t who they’ve been advertising themselves as being. There’s another side to it, as well. DD makes the point that established relationships often don’t have enough communication; I wonder myself if that’s not because we expect people to filter themselves at the beginning, and never learn how to remove those filters as the relationships grow?
So, filtering becomes a catch 22… once you start to filter you run the risk of surprising your partner with your true nature at a later date, or never being able to be wholly connected to them because your filter never disappears. Neither are good options in my book.
If I read between the lines, DD’s point is that one should not lie, but that they should not disclose certain truths until the the appropriate time. But there really is no way of knowing when the “right” time is. It is different for every man and woman, and I think that’s the key in all of this.
We all disclose ourselves to new people at a different rate. There’s a continuum of comfort that’s different for everyone. We all trickle it out over time because nobody can get to know all of you the instant that you meet. And unnaturally changing that rate can only lead to trouble. Isn’t the ideal to find someone who is perfectly comfortable with the way you are, in every way, including how open you are about who you are and what you feel?
I personally think there are certain truths about people that I just never want to know. And to different people, I expose different amounts of “truth.” Then again, maybe that’s just because I’m a dark and evil person inside. :-p So I don’t need to know even more about dark and evil things, thank you very much. ^_~ Therefore I think that filtering is not a bad thing. But what I’m really referring to are the gross and, in my opinion, unnecessary stories like ass hair and such.
To be honest, I think we have been inundated w/ the idea that you and your loved one will share everything and every knowledge. I don’t think that’s possible, plausible, or necessarily good in all cases and knowledge. Then again, what do I know? When was my last relationship? -__-;;
You might be right, Sain. There are things that people just don’t want to know, but you’re not filtering those things because you want that particular person to like you. You filter them so nobody comes along and locks you away! (I’m sure that ass-hair comment really didn’t sit well with you…)
You know, I thought about it a bit more, and I think a lot of times it’s not so much filtering but the fact that conversations just don’t go there. Or the filtering is not so much lying but more steering the conversation away from certain topics or not following the topic to an unpleasant end. So a lot of times it’s just being polite.
As for if this steering is good or bad, I don’t know for sure.
Yah, I think you’re right if you’re just talking about picking a conversation of choice at the moment a lot of that has to do with “steering” and I think that’s a natural and good thing that we all do.
I think I was more talking about more personal things, those deep-seated truths &&/|| emotions that get filtered because we “don’t want to rush things” or “aren’t sure if they’re ready for that” or quite simply “I don’t know if they feel the same way”. A major, but good example is the “who says ‘I love you’ first” delema. You think they’re feeling it, you’re feeling it, but it hasn’t been spoken yet…
After having a follow-up conversation with DD (and a few others), I think it all just comes down to timing. And I also don’t know as much as I pretend to know. ^_^