fire & ice

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I’m writing this as I listen to the crackle of my fireplace and feel its warm glow on my face, and occasionally warm my hands in its heat which are frozen from the 20lb turkey that’s thawing in my sink.  Tonight I’ve been cleansing my apartment and my soul in preparation for Sunday’s pre-Thanksgiving Thanksgiving and, I think, in preparation for moving a little further away from my past.  Tonight I purged myself of over 10 years of love notes, trinkets, mementos, keepsakes, and reminders of relationships long past… all given over to the flames.

I am an amazing packrat.  The things that I’ve cleaned out of my apartment over the last few days have been embarrassing at best.  Mostly they’re things that I couldn’t have possibly used within the last 5-10 years, but somehow kept because they were still “good” or “useful”.  The problem is that they weren’t useful to me.  I mean, who needs a broken Palm Pilot from 1998?  A ZIP drive that doesn’t have drivers?  Over one-hundred 3.5in disks from the computer I backed up in 1996?  That’s right… nobody needs those things.

So, the books I don’t want are getting sold or given away.  I’m going to make my 2nd major trip to Goodwill tomorrow.  And most of what is left is good, in some way shape or form, but I came to the realization this week that the mementos had to go.

I spent an hour digging through them… not reading, mind you… just identifying the cards and letters that belonged to ST, QB, Ashley, Sarah and the others.  ST was easy; the few letters that I happened to glace through reminded me of the confusion, lies, and amazing 180 flip that happened inside of her.  QB’s box was the hardest to purge, mostly because I have nothing but good memories there, and it’s harder to let go of the good thoughts than the bad.

The hardest part was going throughthe obituaries and reminders of lost family and friends… I don’t think about them much, but Ma & Pa, Grandpa, Kayci’s mom, I still miss them all.  Those mementos I keep because they remind me of the great people that they were and what they meant to me.

But there is no longer any room on the shelf for the keepsakes of loves come and gone; I don’t need that kind of reminder any more.

What I do need is Turkey… and lots of it… if only it would thaw between now and Sunday.

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